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The Tiger Mama and How
it Relates to Money

By Brett Danko, CFP®

The hot topic amongst parents is the book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua. Put simply, in the book she outlines her rather strict Chinese parenting method based on discipline and long hours of homework and piano/violin playing. She thinks TV, sleepovers, and video games are a huge waste of time and that you need to treat your kids as little adults and focus them into specific pursuits. You make them drill and drill until they are experts at an instrument or academic subject. She once tore up a birthday card from her 8 year old daughter as not being good enough.

She scoffs at the traditional American model of “lax” parenting and advocates a more focused approach to child rearing. Letting your children have too much control over their time, she suggests, will result in their wasting it playing video games and watching TV.

I have discussed with a number of people over the past month which method of parenting is best. I may get into trouble with my response (possibly from my wife), BUT I will voice my opinion.

I think the Tiger Mama is NUTS and I would hate to be one of her kids (I played a lot of video games as a kid and loved Hogan’s Heroes and Gilligan’s Island yet still managed to graduate from an Ivy League school).

On the other hand, having little to no discipline and letting your kids do as they please is equally bad. Many American parents have so little time between work and other pressures that their children are forced to raise themselves in certain ways. In my humble opinion, I think either extreme is not ideal. However, a combination of the two parenting styles would create the most well adjusted happy child.

Why am I even discussing this topic? Good question – the answer is below.

I believe the debate over parenting relates to our relationship with money.

With regards to money, I believe there are two extremes – the “savers” and the “spenders”.

Each name is self explanatory and each extreme can be damaging to a person’s well being and happiness. I believe each person is at heart aligned with one of two labels (I am a saver and my wife is a spender).

When my wife and I got married, we had a number of heated discussions regarding money. I still had the first dollar I earned from my caddying days in Pittsburgh and my wife never had money in her pocket. In fact, if she had $100 in her pocket, she would spend all of it and then charge another $50. She had a great job and figured, “Why save?” Her favorite response was ‘Why should I save - what if I get hit by a bus tomorrow”.

She also wanted to buy a house and I explained that you couldn’t buy a house (at least at the time ) without money available for the down payment and closing costs. She understood she needed to save for long term goals such as home ownership and retirement. On the other extreme, I saved everything and did NOT enjoy the fruits of my labor.

Over time I have learned to spend money responsibly, yes to save, BUT to also take money and enjoy life in the moment.

As with most things in life such as parenting, politics and money, the topic is NOT black and white but rather grey. Some items may be black or white (i.e. you should save for retirement), but overall in a macro, big picture sense, most things are best in moderation and neither extreme is good/best.

Each person should figure out whether they are a saver or a spender and then make sure you take into consideration the opposite side. This will help you get more toward the center.

The number one reason for divorce is related to finances.

I believe many people never openly discuss their relationship with money and how those beliefs were created because they are at such a subconscious level. Understanding your partner’s relationship with money will help you navigate difficult financial waters and is an important topic that needs to be discussed – preferably before but also during marriage.

Whether you are a saver or spender, try to stay in the middle of the financial road by being responsible, yet enjoy your life now. This can lead to a happy well adjusted life together.

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